#im a piece of trash

[patchlessworld]

Yesterday.

Went to a maid cafe. But I was so nervous I downed a bottle and a half jinro before that. It's not my first time going there, in fact I've went there so many times now. Since my social anxiety got worse, I started drinking beforehand, but normally (I know this isn't normal, but for me it's my routine) I just drink one bottle of jinro. I felt unusually nervous yesterday, and past experience tells me that one jinro wouldn't last for the amount of time i would spend in the cafe, that's why the extra amount.

But the alcohol hit way fast than I expected. I think I was already a bit drunk as I walked in, when usually I'll have to sit for a while before I feel a bit drunk. Then I was totally drunk later on. I was way too hyper. Talking way more than usual. Couldn't walk normally. I even suggested that I go on stage with a maid (who I have known for a few years) and sing, which I would never even consider because that's scary. But before we actually had to go on stage, I got scared of the fact that I had to perform in front of an audience (even though there's only a few people). So I drank more of the remaining jinro.

Long story short, I was drunk and probably caused trouble even though that maid told me it's fine and everyone was just a bit concerned and that I didn't trouble them. God knows how many "sorrys" I said while I was dming her on my way home. I felt like such a failure. And I was feeling so bad that there was a point last night in the cafe where I thought to myself "I'm just gonna k*ll myself after this.", like how you would think "I'm gonna grab some food on my way home" kinda way. The only thing that pulled me away from that thought is that I remembered I agreed to write lyrics for someone's first song. And I guess I'm really living for this responsibility only.

I hate myself. I cried myself to sleep. I wish that after my sleep, I'd forget everything because hopefully that's how being drunk works ._. But I still had a panic attack before actually being able to fall asleep, because I remembered that I got on stage and sang in front of people. I didn't even look at the audience during the performance, yet I couldn't breathe with that thought in my head that everyone saw me. I grabbed the two doses of whatever tranquilliser that my mom gave me earlier this month (I was going to see a live show so she gave me those two doses just in case. It's prescribed by my psychiatrist if anyone's concerned), didn't even think about how much I should be taking per dose, and took them. I was heavily ventilating. Why would a panic attack happen hours after the anxiety-inducing event happened?

I guess the drugs worked and I slept til noon. I don't know. I just want to sleep. I'm not sleepy, but I just want to escape from all the guilt and anxiety and self-hatred, everything. I wrote the diary for yesterday and the day before, and I was so upset I couldn't stop crying afterwards. I cried myself to sleep, and I'm at the edge of tears at all times. I hate myself so much. I cannot stress this- I hate myself to the point I felt actual physical nausea and I force-vomitted after every meal. I wish I had dissociation, which is a bad thing to say, but man I just wish I would dissociate from all the self-hatred, guilt, shame, sadness and the pieces of memory from yesterday's disaster. (please don't come at me, i know dissociation shouldn't be wished)

Why am I like this. There's no way I could fix this. There's no way I could fix me. And my relationship with everyone is ruined. Because I'm a piece of crap. And it's Christmas. We gotta go to the mass tomorrow. I gotta act normal. But there's people at church. How.

[rocceater]

love it when people draw aus differently so some ideas for art styles and designs

ink belongs to comyet fresh belongs to loverofpiggies dream + nightmare belong to joku-blog

[222cunty]

[glassofice]

Welcoming season 4 of manhwa with cale and raon from the cover of the third novel

[musubiki]

danmarch 🐉💎

[pictureday2005]

DONT REPOST THIS thanks

[sanjifucker42069]

Sanji x Reader drabble

Word count: 1.5k

I am so in love with this man. I have so many feelings about Sanji, about his past, about him hiding his anxiety. And yeah this is based on a scene from Miss Fisher's Murder Mysteries lol.

Sanji sees someone associated with his past, you calm him down. (Mild comfort, fluff, pre-timeskip, pre-relationship, no one is aware Sanji's a Vinsmoke by birth yet. Gender neutral reader)

It was a lazy day, the kind that makes Sanji's face stretch into a languid catlike grin. There were no pressing issues, no captain getting into the worst trouble imaginable, no swordsman annoying the shit out of him. Life was good. To top it all off, here he was, enjoying a drink in a small island pub with his favourite straw hat. 

Life was so good.

You had chuckled when he'd offered to buy you a drink as a thank you for joining him today. The sound was like wedding bells to him; loud, low, and one that made his heart race. He'd beamed at you when you'd agreed, pulling you into the nearby bar.

The two of you had been chatting for hours,  beyond comfortable with each other. It had been so good to be away from the others, just having your complete undivided attention. And soon enough, the sun was setting, the two of you too wrapped up in having fun to even notice.

You sighed. “I suppose it's time we got back, last thing we need is a search party looking for us.”

It was regrettable, but Sanji agreed. He'd s get the walk back with you, so win-win, really. With a flourish that made you smile, Sanji offered his hand, gently helping you out of the booth.

Life was good.

Or it would have been, had Sanji not seen it. A man. No, not just a man.

A Germa66 soldier

His blood ran cold. It couldn't be like this. No one knew his true lineage, and he was not about to ruin his whole life by telling you all! No. He couldn't let you know. Sanji could practically see how hurt you'd be, how he'd lied to you by omission. 

He'd finally gotten another family, he was not going to let some random soldier ruin it!

And besides, what was someone from Germa even doing here!? The implications made anxiety try to claw its way out of Sanji's chest.

You, unbeknownst to Sanji, were studying him. One second the two of you were giggling like lovestruck teenagers, the next he was frozen, eyes trained across the bar.

“Ji? You okay?”

Nothing. Sanji was still.

“Sanji!” You clicked your fingers in front of him. “Eyes on me. Nothing to worry about, ‘kay?”

The cook didn't move, still staring at the man across the room with palpable fear. You could practically taste the anxiety rolling off him in waves. 

“Just…someone from my past.” He managed to breathe out.

“And you're safe. Eyes on me. If you keep looking at him he's going to see you. Look at me.”

His shaking eyes regarded you for a second before wandering back to the soldier. You had no idea where they were from, or how they knew Sanji, but right now you didn't care. Based on how badly he was trying to cover up his fear, you were certain this was big. 

He didn't budge when you tried to direct him to you.

“Sanji!” You bit as quietly as you could. 

Sanji looked so scared, so helpless. It hurt your heart. Running out of ideas you cringed. You had one, but it wasn't exactly the best. But Sanji needed his crew right now. He needed someone to ground him.

With a speed you didn't often muster, you forced the tall man to look at you, hand cradling his chin. The fear was still apparent in his eyes, but ever the agreeable boy he stared in your eyes. You felt him startle when you wrapped your free arm around his neck. 

A small apology left your lips.

Before he could turn his attention back to panicking you pulled him down to meet you, kissing him softly. Using Sanji's shock to your advantage you spun the two of you so you could keep an eye on the man that had your friend so desperately afraid. 

Sanji gasped into the kiss, and for a moment you were worried he was going to push you back. His hands were thrust towards you, palms splayed. You braced yourself for the impact.

But it never came.

Instead you felt his strong arms encircle your waist, one travelling to clutch at your back, the other snaking to hold you closer against him. Sanji melted against your lips, a small noise of appreciation slipping out. 

Shit, he was a really good kisser. You fought the urge to close your eyes, to just give in and kiss the man silly, but you had a job to do. It felt wrong to kiss Sanji with your eyes open, but you trained your eyes on the man he was scared of. The soldier was exiting the pub with a beautiful woman, him eagerly leading her by the hand while she giggled.

Once they had left and the coast was clear you began to relax. You'd love to say you did the right thing and gently pulled back, but you didn't. Your eyes slipped closed as you kissed him with a passion that scared you, after all, when would you get another opportunity to kiss the man? Sanji clearly wasn't expecting it, if the cute little noise he made was anything to go off. You relished the feeling of his lips against yours. They weren't chapped, which surprised you, both living on the sea. But, you supposed, if anyone was going to take care to make sure his lips were soft and kissable, it'd be Sanji. 

You wish you could convey all your thoughts and feelings in the kiss; you're safe, you're loved, I'll follow you wherever.

I love you.

Regretfully you pulled back, both for air and out of guilt, you'd certainly taken advantage of the situation. Sanji chased your lips for a second before coming to and straightening. His beautiful eyes on yours in a moment, you watched him sigh, a more relaxed air about him. His eyes swept across the pub floor, anxiety rising when he couldn't find the soldier. You grabbed one of his hands, rubbing soothing circles into the top of his palm. Sanji's eyes snapped down to yours.

“He's gone.” You smiled warmly up at him. Sanji looked dazed, making you smile stretch to a grin. “He left about two minutes ago. It's okay Ji.”

Sanji wanted to say a thousand things, to thank you, to sing you praises, to cry and hold you close, thankful of your protection. Instead all he managed out was;

“You kissed me.”

You felt a light blush stain your cheeks, pointedly looking away from him. Sanji wanted to scoop you up and kiss you silly, you looked so cute when bashful.

“I needed to distract you, you were panicking.” You pouted dropping his hand, with narrowed eyes you snapped your gaze back to him. “Besides, you kissed me back.”

Staring up at Sanji took your breath away, he was regarding you with such genuine warmth. The intensity of his stare made you uncomfortable, and you made a move to excuse yourself. Sanji gently scooped your hand up, and held it against his chest between his hands. You blushed, looking up at him completely dazed.

“Love.” He paused. “(Name), I- thank you. You're so good to me.” Another pause, before he hammed it up. “And to experience a kiss from such a beauty? You're truly an angel fell from the heavens.”

He shot you such a cheeky smirk, his eyes sparkling, but you knew better. Sanji was a sweetheart, and yeah he could be a pervert, and a ladies’ man, and just a tad overdramatic, but he definitely played it up to protect himself. The feelings were hanging in the air unspoken; love, dedication, thankfulness. But it wasn't the time for that, neither of you wanted to have your hearts broken, brave on the battlefield does not always mean brave in love. But still, that stupid charming grin had you, hook, line, and sinker.

“Well my dear, if you ever need to distract me again...” He relished the laugh that escaped you. You pat his chest and moved your hand to delicately cradle his cheek.

“I'll make sure to keep that in mind. You might wanna watch yourself though, or you'll never pry me off you.”

Sanji chuckled, lovestruck. “Oh no, what a shame! You know I'm feeling kinda-”

You lightly swatted him on the cheek before he could finish, flustered but on cloud nine. “Alright loverboy, c'mon.”

“One more kiss?” He pouted, that boyish charm captivating you. He grinned when you pulled him down for a kiss.

You had aimed for a quick peck, but Sanji held you in place, peppering you in kisses as you giggled. He placed a last kiss on your lips, melting as you crushed him against you and kissed back with fervor. You pulled back with an audible smack.

“Wow.” He whispered, relishing in the love in your eyes.

“Now, c'mon, for real this time, handsome.”

You two didn't need to audibly say it right now, it was obvious you to regarded each other highly. The right day would come. 

[a-substantial-trash-pile]

being haunted by the feeling that i’ll never fit in anywhere no matter how much i try and everyone is just tolerating my presence and secretly thinks i’m an annoying burden

[xoxohannas-world]

eating? no thanks! i get my daily sodium intake from the blood on my hands

[meshaamem-li]

showing a coworker a piece of art I made from a few years ago and them going "no way, that's AI, no way you drew that" as if it's a compliment over how good I am at drawing and I go "haha it's not AI I drew it myself :)" but in my head I'm like

[dots-in-my-head]

From the darkness, there is light.

[nartml]

Saw a comment describe killugon as 'born to be brothers, forced to be best friends'.

And I just have to say that, out of all the things that have never happened, that has never happened the most.

[malikikiarts]

On the ninth twilight, the witch shall revive, and none shall be left alive.

Uh hi I haven't posted to this art blog in like 4 years haha whoops. Hoping to post a little more frequently moving forward instead of just lurking on this site. Lately I've been on a VN/mystery kick and Umineko kinda grabbed me by the reigns for a wild ass ride and left me feeling a lot of things. (Many thanks to NezumiVA's streams making this series accessible as pretty much my audio book at work for a couple months) Anyways, Beatrice is a fascinating character and embodiment of the mystery genre in this essay I will

[greyskyflowers]

This is kind of rambling because I just really wish I saw more of this but whatever.

I wish I saw more stuff about Zoro's eye and the crew. I'm really interested in how that wound would have been handled by the crew.

The world already thinks the strawhats are fucking nuts, so I have the firm belief that they only let themselves be true, squishy humans with each other. Reindeer and skeleton included.

The rest of the world has seen them cry, bleed, near death, etc but the real stuff is for crew eyes only. The nightmares, the chronic pains, the panic attacks, the depression, the parts of healing that aren't pretty, etc.

Those belong to the crew. No one else gets to see that because being human in front of the world is different than be vulnerable in front of the world. And they love each other too much to let any of them be stripped bare for the world if they have anything to say about it.

I think of Zoro and Luffy as having the first real injuries of the crew. The point of no return injuries. The sealed their fate as pirates in blood and flesh injuries.

No one on the crew has lost anything quite like Zoro's eye. No one has lost any arms or legs, no lost fingers or toes, no lost of the senses like sight or hearing, and no truly horrific scars. Other than Zoro. And after the timeskip, Zoro and Luffy.

So Zoro missing an eye should have been a thing because this isn't something that heals. An eye doesn't grow back. The world changed for Zoro when he lost it (or whatever happened since we don't 100% know).

That's the injury of a human and Luffy and Zoro, and often Sanji, are seen as beyond human by so much of the world. Even the crew.

And that injury must have been fucking wild. Like so much there to unpack. The pain, the recovery, any infection, relearning how to live daily life with half your vision gone. That's a lot of time to be vulnerable.

It bothers the crew that they weren't there to cover his vulnerabilities like they should have been. They weren't there to do that for Luffy or Zoro. But this post is about Zoro, so that's what we're focusing on.

I have been brainstorming how I'd like to see the crew have to deal with this and I think a great way to make this into a hell of an idea for a fic would be way more simple than I was making it. I was originally thinking about shorting the timeskip, ignoring orders to stay separate, the wound happening closer to when they meet, etc.

But then I thought devil fruit. Duh.

What if the crew runs into a devil fruit user with the ability to recreate wounds? It'd have to be some type of time based power that would allow the user to touch the spot of a scar or other old injury and revert it back to the worst stage of it. Maybe it was when it was first received, a infection, etc.

It would work for other things too. The user notices someone doesn't have any glaringly obvious scars to focus on? Try the head, they probably had a concussion at some point. Try the arm, they've probably broken it at some point.

It also requires the user to revert the wound back to it's present state or it has to heal naturally all over again.

And someone who's fighting the strawhats with this power would go right for Luffy's chest scar. Take the captain down in one hit. He probably won't survive the wound again.

There's a couple ways I could see this playing out specifically with Zoro.

Either the user can't get Luffy and goes for the next best, Zoro's eye. (Or chest would be interesting. Maybe both)

Or they almost get Luffy but Zoro gets in the way. Thriller bark all over again.

I think that wound was nasty because I can't imagine Zoro losing an eye with a clean cut. Most importantly though is what stage it goes back to.

It's clearly not when he first got it. The wound is ragged and inflamed. Dried blood is holding the edges and the skin is stained a rusty color. Not that you can tell over all the bruising, big blooms of black and purple and yellow, that creep across his face and even down his neck.

It's a little terrifying.

But that's not even all of it. The wound fucks with a lot of stuff that they hadn't even thought of.

He's got constant, debilitating headaches and ringing in his ears. It makes basic things like focusing, walking, turning his head, etc all very hard and painful.

Loss of appetite due to pain and medication and chewing and even drinking all pull at the wound. So rapidly losing weight becomes a problem.

Sleep is almost impossible. His exhaustion slows the healing process.

Nausea and vomiting from the trauma, headaches and exhaustion. Even further loss of weight, energy, and necessary nutrients.

And once those settle enough, all the other issues become prominent.

Having to relearn balance and depth perception. Both in daily life and fighting.

Having to readjust for having his field of vision cut in half.

The general trauma. Honestly, I just need him flinching away sometimes when he just wakes up and someone comes in on his blind side. Only with them though, that's the only time he lets himself relax enough to be caught off gaurd or allow someone to surprise him.

The body remembers wounds like that. The mind remembers wounds like that. Zoro is a master at mind over matter stuff but even then, sometimes things are so deep and instinctive that it would be very hard to override those responses.

I want to see the crew reacting to it all.

The nights were Zoro stumbles up, pressing a hand to his eye, dripping sweat, and gasping for air because he managed to actually fall asleep, but in doing so forget to take pain medication before it was too late.

The days where getting him to eat something is the hardest battle the crew has had in days.

Chopper near tears with worry and fury. The rest of the crew in similar mindsets.

They find he sleeps best sitting against the wall with one of them, back supported and unable to roll into a painful position accidentally. His head resting on their shoulder and a careful, so so careful, hand to nudge him back if he starts to do something that will hurt.

He lets Chopper have full access to the wound, not even rejecting the pain medication and that alone speaks to the agony he's in.

They want to squirrel him away deep in the ship until he's better, he's too vulnerable anywhere else. It sets their teeth on edge and the idea of anyone seeing Zoro hurt and bleeding like this is unacceptable.

A healed wound to show the world is one thing, like the scar he had before the devil fruit user, and even a wound still healing, like Luffy's when he rang the bell after marineford, is different. Both of those are warnings. I'll come back stronger, you can't keep me down.

This is something else.

Someone hurt their swordsman. And they knew that of course, even when it was just a scar, but seeing it makes it real.

It makes something burn in their bellies with fury, wanting to snap their teeth at anything or anyone not crew.

It's a wild possessive and protective feeling. Vicious, a little blood thirsty, and demanding names. They want to know who did it.

Part of what makes Zoro Zoro is how he handles injuries and protects the crew. When he first got the wound he was by himself and probably hid away for a bit to lick his wounds before pushing himself back into everything too quick and with too little care.

So this time they want to care for it right, they want to care for him right.

The wound will heal with or without pain medication, but there's no reason to not make sure he's comfortable and supported.

He can sleep with or without someone, but if having someone there helps keep him in one spot all night and keeps the nightmares at bay, why would they let him sleep alone?

The bandages will be changed regardless, but if his hands shake less when someone else is helping him with the cleaning of the wound and the new bandages, why would they leave him to do it by himself?

It's not weakness, it's trust. It's love and vulnerability that belong to each other, not the world.

Being loved enough to be vulnerable is a privilege they'd never deny each other.

[sad-leon]

sorry for lack of art

havent drawn in days and making this doodle caused me so much distress- have a thing i finished a while back going up later today but otherwise i dont know when im gonna get anything else out

couldn't even get a sad leo sketch complete without almost melting down </3

[demonio-fleurs]

i wish i was able to enjoy robins new look for what it represents (her journey of healing from two decades of trauma and a call back to who she was a child before the buster call) instead of being tired of people acting as if she’s been “gone” just because they didn’t like her design (which was also part of her journey of healing her trauma) because it didn’t match what they thought she be